‘Project Runway’ For Your Penis

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – It’s well- and widely known that many guys have nicknames for their penises. Now they can extend their penile persona one step farther and dress their unit up in costumed character, complete with accessories. It’s like making a Barbie of your boner. Scratch that — a G.I. Joe of your Johnson. Weiner-wear, if you will.

“Let’s face it, girls like to play dress-up,” says Noelle McIlwaine, who is debuting Dapper Dicks, her first line of cock-couture at this year’s Adult Entertainment Expo. “So if you give us something to play with, and something to laugh about, you’re gonna get laid! I mean it’s a 99-percent chance that it’s gonna happen.”

It all started when her husband came home from work one evening, and he wanted to get it on.

“And I told him the whole ‘I’ll take care of later’ thing. Hey, girls get tired! I’m a mom of five, and I have a full-career (she’s from Bible-Belt Atlanta, and already has made a sale to a pastor’s wife).

McIllwaine’s husband walked away and reappeared — sporting a toilet-paper roll crowned with a little lion head.

He was trying to entice her into bed? With a leonine love muscle?

“He was,” she confirms. “And he scored. And that’s how Dapper Dicks was born.”

“Some guys just need a little more help, you know what I mean?” says McIlwaine, one of many erotica entrepreneurs on the periphery of the AEE exhibit hall. “Our job is to put these outfits together for the guys, so they can entice their wives or girlfriends or others, to get into the whole roleplay thing. Because guys really don’t have anything! They’ve got elephant underwear, and that’s it.”

So McIlwaine came up with a series of appendage apparel: shake hands with Stroker the Cowboy, Pirate Hardwood, pinstriped Dapper Dick, Private Willy (“sports his fatigues standing at full attention waiting for orders”), Fireman Rick and Dr. Dick Longellow. Complete with hats and appropriate accessories, they’ll run you $35-$45.

“What about sizing?,” I hear the reader wonder.

“One size fits all,” says McIlwaine. “I made sure there was a Spandex interior, that way it’s really smooth going on and off, because some guys are really sensitive.”

So it fits the all-American, and it also expands to Man-O’-Beef.

Still, there’s always gonna be that one guy who insists the genital get-up is too small for him…

McIlwaine says she’s sitting on 200 more ideas for future costumes. Coming soon: “Animal Kingdom,” “Tasty Snacks,” and a “Hollywood Boneyard” series, with Captain Prickhard and Dark Invader. Imagine what she could do with “Twilight.” Or “Avatar.” Or “Titanic”…

“Relationships need to sparked and spontaneity needs to be kept going,” McIlwaine says. “I figure if I can add one marriage by adding the spark back into it, I’ve done my job.”

Courtesy Las Vegas Weekly

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