What could be more Naked Circus than Nunsploitation beauty pageants, hot chimpanzee sex, couples frolicking on train platforms, trouser snakes, naked burglars (that download porn, no less), tranny hookers, or a woman that has 200 orgasms a day? Why Terra Nuditas, of course.
Yes, folks, it is time for your weekly maunder through the maniacal miasma of mankind’s bizarre obsession with sex and nudity. So, strap yourself in (no, not like that, you perv) and get ready, because the little hand says it’s time to rock & roll (and we’re probably not talking about the one on your watch).
First up… errr… OK, tenth up we have Hayden Panettiere, a committed environmentalist. But apparently not committed enough to allow her mother auction off her used underwear to save the whales. Methinks that she could underwrite Greenpeace’s operating budget for the next 20 years if she were really committed to the cause. Meanwhile, in other Hollywood news Scarlett Johansson claims that that there was too much naked salami on the set for her to enjoy making out with Penelope Cruz. Thankfully that won’t spoil our enjoyment of the scene.
Daniel Radcliffe’s naked penis hasn’t actually pushed back the release date of the next Harry Potter film, but it certainly makes for an entertaining story. Russell Brand may be the new sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania and Sean Penn was fooled by James Franco’s fake penis during the shooting of a biopic about the late Harvey Milk. We here at Naked Circus can not stress strongly enough how much we disapprove of this sort of thing. We prefer our penile eye candy au natural.
Briton Abi Titmuss got famous for marrying an English twat, and even famouser (sic) after she and her mate released a sex tape. Now Ms. Titmuss wants you to read all about it. We here at Naked Circus are eagerly awaiting the movie on Skinemax Late Nite™. In other lesbian porn news, the Wonderbra model, Katie Green, apparently had quite a swinging career before going “straight”. Model Tanya van Graan is furious over topless photos of her that appeared in an Aussie tabloid. That is so much less respectable than FHM, doncha know. Australian TV host Tania Zaetta is suing the Daily Telegraph for its claim that she’d slept her way across Afghanistan in order to improve troop morale. Bizarrely the defence department was responsible for the complaint, in spite of the fact that the story was probably responsible for a recruiting boost.
Actress Courtenay Semel is now claiming to have converted Lindsay Lohan to vagitarianism before Sam Ronson converted her to Judyism. In Boston slamball star Ivan Lattimore remains behind bars, despite declaring his eternal love for sportscaster Julie Donaldson. And he says that he has the sex tape to prove it. Yes, nothing says “I will love you forever” quite like video footage of the Romper Room Doobie.
Police terrorism is on the rise as the growing crackdown on Craigslist sex ads shows. A woman in Guelph, Canada decided to fight back by nakedly flinging cow chips at the police. We would like to applaud this act of nude defiance. Someone has to tell the pigs where to get off.
In hooker news a Memphis trucker got his nuts busted by the police after a fight with his transexual prostitute went horribly awry. In Milwaukee Michael J. Haas, director of a court program to keep young offenders out of jail, was arrested during a sex sting for, amongst other things, telling his hooker how to avoid jail. Now isn’t that what the court was paying him to do? In Florida Fausino Hernandez was arrested for offering an undercover deputy two cents for sex. Hasn’t anyone taught him that you’re supposed to avoid the attractive street hookers? It’s these sorts of failures in the American educational system that make us despair for the future.
In really weird crime news, a Wichita man broke into a house in order to strip down to his skivvies and wash his clothes. Was the local laundromat really that expensive? A Clanfield, UK man chased off a naked burglar who had stolen a photo frame. What separates this from the rest of our naked burglar stories? Well, in this case the police arrested two men. In California the nefarious Riverside Panty Poacher continues to terrorize lingerie drawers all over Ontario County. In Parkland, Washington a scantily clad barista threw a cup of scalding water over a flasher at a drive thru. Will drive-thru flashing become the next great crime wave? We’d like to think so.
Porn star Nikki Jayne has come clean about her past and again proved that Catholic schoolgirls make the best pornwhores. Meanwhile Canada’s government has approved more porn for their cable TV systems, and Montreal is ready to step up and fulfill Canadians’ seemingly insatiable demand for adult fare. I guess they need some way to pass the time during their nine months of winter.
In the other strange news Rabbi Mark Sameth says that God is a hermaphrodite, America’s Next Top Model has finally accepted a transexual contestant, Queen Victoria’s used knickers were sold for £4500 at auction, and an Indian boy seems to have used a fish as a sexual aid. Aggressively enough to have lodged it in his bladder. Last, but certainly not least, we have the John Holmes Potato for those that don’t think the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese is cutting edge enough.
And so we have come to the end of this week’s journey. We hope that we have provided you with a few minutes of entertainment in your otherwise dreary days. Enjoy the view whle you can.
Tags: Terra Nuditas