Well, intrepid readers, welcome to another edition of Terra Nuditas, where we bring to you the hilarity and occasional horrors of human depravity. We open today’s today’s journey into the grotesque with a tale of heroism. One time Dream Boy and former hairdresser Lee Morris saved his fellow paratroopers, who were besieged by Taliban fighters and friendly fire, from certain death. And America still thinks gays in the military is a bad idea.
In other political news, it seems that the People’s Republic of China has relaxed the restrictions on tourist food for the Olympics. While they are still banning dog from the tourist traps, they will ensure that tourists can still get their fill of tasty penis foods. For a mere $350 diners at the Guolizhuang Baloney Pony Bistro can feast on a traditional dish of steamed seal schlong. Or, if they’re not inclined to spend that much on a mere steamed wiener, they can try the horse hose & balls or the lobster stuffed with donkey dong. Presumably all the meals come with pork fried rice.
In the continuing crackdown on terrorist art, a gallery owner in England faces charges for exhibiting a statue of Viagra Jesus. Closer to home troubles continue to multiply for St. Petersburg art gallery owner, Bill Schramm. Not only did the local authorities react badly to the giant penis sculpture outside his gallery, but it now appears they’ve charged him for having a naked man hanging from the ceiling within. It seems that there is a local ordinance that forbids serving alcohol in any establishment where there’s going to be nudity. What fun are the strip clubs there? We here are writing Amnesty International to register our protest at this abuse of basic human rights.
Compare the police overreaction in England & Florida to (of all things) the German police. In Berlin police arrived at an out-of-control birthday party, and were immediately mistaken for male strippers by the inebriated German girls, who immediately began removing their clothing. Alas, rather than continuing to go with the flow and enjoy the fringe benefits, the police managed to convince the girls that they were indeed coppers and not strippers and were able to escape with their batons.
In other stripper related news Prince Charles hired Dita von Teese to strip for Prince Harry on his 24th birthday. All we ever got from our fathers were a little cash tucked inside an unfunny card.
In the naked crime log Cincinnati police arrested 37 year old Michael Weber for driving while naked and excessive use of the stickshift. Meanwhile in Orlando, Florida, 55 year old Emma Pinion was arrested for boarding a bus naked and for pelting police officers with quarters when they showed up to remove her. No word on where she had been hiding the coins.
In Oregon, 74 year old Donald Joseph Kenney was arrested in Rooster Rock State Park for assaulting a man and two chihuahuas with his baton. In New Brighton Minnesota 53 year old psychiatrist Thomas Folsom was arrested for providing a little sex therapy to one of his patients. In a truly altruistic gesture, he even stopped charging the patient when she could no longer afford the treatments. And they say that chivalry’s dead.
In Skegness, Great Britain, a daring burglar broke into a “sexy superstore”, Pulse & Cocktails, but rather than raid the till he raided the fetishwear and sexdoll sections. Well, when you gotta have a sex doll in a sexy French maid’s outfit, what else are you supposed to do?
Lastly, a heartwarming story of justice prevailing. David Steffen has languished on Ohio’s death row for more than a quarter century for the 1982 rape and murder of then 19 year old Karen Range. But his attorneys have consistently argued that their client did not deserve the death penalty, because while he did murder the young woman in question, he didn’t rape her. Now, 26 years later DNA testing has revealed the real culprit, 55 year old Kenneth Douglas, a former morgue assistant in the Cincinnati Coroner’s Office. Prosecutors have even admitted that Ms. Range was not the only victim of Douglas’ attentions over the course of his 16 year career in the coroner’s office. Here at Naked Circus we can’t condemn Mr. Douglas’s behavior strongly enough. Dating in the workplace is strictly beyond the bounds of propriety.
