No Gerbils, but(t)…

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s up the butt we go.”

We’ve all heard the urban legend about the man that died in the operating room after having his intestines gnawed by a gerbil in a bizarre sex practice called gerbiling. Well, rest assured, this story isn’t about gerbiling, because it’s nothing more than an urban legend.

But this raises an interesting question, just what have human beings inserted into their rectum? The answer illustrates the extent of human ingenuity. Among the recorded items removed from human rectums are: a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14″ model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9.5″ water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3.5″ Japanese glass float ball, an 11″ carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2″ jeweler’s saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig’s tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a 10″ length of broomstick, an 18″ umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and much, much more.

In 1955 one man who was “feeling depressed” reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal wall. This changed his mood real quick.

So there you have it, when it comes to perverse thrills, we human beings are still the sickest little monkeys extant.

Courtesy of The Straight Dope.